Determining the allocation of parental responsibilities can feel like a competition between parents to see who can receive more parental powers after a divorce. Parents will present their own strengths and the other parent’s weaknesses, with the prize being a greater share of parenting time. However, a focus on winning parental control may ignore what is in the best interest of a child. A parent with a majority of the parental responsibilities should help the other parent maintain a strong relationship with their children.

Parental Roles

Illinois family courts presume that it is in a child’s best interest to have two strong parental figures unless one of those parents is demonstratively harmful to the child. Children benefit from an active relationship with both parents because:

Caring for children of divorce requires different parenting skills than when you were married. Your children are in a new living situation that confuses and scares them, while you are adjusting to expanded parental responsibilities. Though not a guaranteed outcome, your children are at risk of developing long-term emotional problems that may manifest as a mental disorder or unhealthy behavior. Your children are less likely to suffer these consequences if you can continue to provide stable and supportive parenting. Here are four keys to creating a healthy environment for your children after your divorce:

1. Remember That You Are a Co-Parent: Though you are divorced, you and your former spouse share the role of being parents. You should develop a business-like relationship with each other so you can communicate about your parenting concerns. You will not agree on every issue, but you should try to find some consistency in discipline and expectations for your children’s behavior. Showing that you both can still cooperate is an important lesson for your children.
2. Shield Your Children from Conflict: You should never make your children feel that they are in the middle of your argument with their co-parent. Do not complain about your former spouse in front of them. Do not ask them for information about their other parent. Do not use them as messengers or delivery people with their other parent. Your parenting time should focus on them and not your former marriage.
3. Create Good Memories: Your children will likely remember your divorce as a sad time in their lives, but you can try to create some positive memories to go with it. You need to be proactive in making the most out of the time you have with your children. Find time in your regular schedule for fun activities with them. Create a supportive atmosphere to make sure they know they are loved.
4. Listen to Your Children: In your effort to remain positive around your children, you should not ignore signs that they are depressed or upset. Ask them what is bothering them and take time to listen to what they say. Encourage them to come to you when they have questions they need to have answered or are feeling down.

Healthy Divorced Parenting

You need time with your children in order to help them adjust to their new lives after divorce. A DuPage County divorce attorney at Calabrese Associates, P.C., can negotiate a fair division of parenting time. To schedule a consultation, call 630-393-3111.

Disputes involving the allocation of parental responsibilities become more complicated when one of the parents moves to a different state. Relocating with a child from Illinois to another state requires court permission, decided by what is in the best interest of the child. If the relocation is approved, there are new questions about:

• How parenting time will be divided between the parties;
• Which state has jurisdiction when future parenting disputes arise; and
• How parenting agreements will be enforced across state lines.

Most states in the U.S., including Illinois, have adopted the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act to set guidelines for co-parenting across state lines.

Jurisdiction

There are some details in your marriage and divorce that your children do not need to know. Children already have a hard time adjusting to their broken family after a divorce. Telling them about their other parent’s faults that led to the divorce will hurt them more. Your most important job as a parent after your divorce to protect your children. That means shielding them from the infighting that often accompanies a divorce.

Too Much Information

Dragging your children into your divorce-related drama is unfair to them. Despite what you may think of your former spouse, your children likely look up to him or her as a parent. Children see their parents as infallible role models, even though no parent is perfect. By exposing your children to your grievances from the divorce, you are:

Separation anxiety applies to parents and children after a divorce. As a parent, you have developed a bond with your children and are not used to extended time apart. With a post-divorce parenting plan, you will likely not see your children for days at a time. The change can be jarring. While your children will always be with one of their parents, you are suddenly alone when your children are staying with their other parent. This can be depressing if your life has centered around taking care of your children. However, you can also think of your free time as a chance to find a purpose and structure that is not reliant on being a parent. There are several actions you can take to help you towards this:

1. Rediscovering Personal Passions: When you became a parent, you may have put aside some of your favorite hobbies and activities. Taking care of your child came before your personal interests. You now have the free time to continue those interests. Participating in fun activities gives you something enjoyable to do while keeping your mind off your children's absence.
2. Reconnecting with Friends: Parenthood also changes your social interactions. Your leisure time is often spent doing activities with your family or other parents. With your children away and being cared for, you are free to meet with friends for more adult social outings. The important aspect is being with other people at a time when you are feeling alone.
3. Adjusting Your Work Hours: If your job gives you flexibility in your hours, you may be able to change your work schedule to fit with your parenting schedule. On days when you know you will not have the children, agree to work longer hours. In exchange, you may be able to work shorter hours on the days when you do have the children.
4. Being Productive: Some people feel satisfaction when accomplishing something in their free time. Your time without your children is a good chance to work on personal projects, such as fixing up your home or continuing your education. You can also volunteer your time towards charitable efforts. These activities can give you a sense of purpose in your life.

Dividing Your Parenting Time

The days you spend apart from your children make the days you are together more important. Your parenting schedule should give both parents days with your children that do not involve work or school commitments. If your children are always gone on your days off work, you are missing your chance to bond with them. A DuPage County family law attorney at Calabrese Associates, PC, will help you create a fair parenting agreement. Schedule a consultation by calling 630-393-3111.