You must act quickly and pragmatically once you and your spouse have decided to divorce each other. People who delay finding a divorce attorney and gathering information are put at a disadvantage when they must make important decisions. However, you may have a more difficult time overcoming your initial emotions if the divorce came as a surprise to you. You may initially react with anger towards your spouse or by fighting to save your marriage. Unfortunately, you cannot afford to avoid the practical concerns of your pending divorce.

Caught Off Guard

A spouse goes through an internal struggle before working up the nerve to say that he or she wants a divorce. The spouse concluded that:

Gray divorce, which refers to divorcees who are older than 50, has a different focus during negotiations than a younger divorce. The children in a gray divorce are likely no longer dependents or close to that age, which means that the allocation of parental responsibilities and child support may not even be an issue. However, the financial aspects of the divorce may be more complicated because of the duration of the marriage and divorcees’ stage in their lives. Financial viability after a gray divorce is more important than normal because the divorcees will have fewer opportunities to make up for lost assets.

Marital Properties

Gray divorcees have often collected numerous and valuable properties during their marriage, which they now must divide. The most valuable and vital properties for gray divorcees may be their retirement plans because it is the money they are counting on to support them for the rest of their lives. Most retirement plans are considered marital properties, including:

When it comes to a document as important as a parenting plan, you want to avoid vague language and unanswered questions. A weak parenting plan can create conflict between the co-parents, which may also harm the children. Your parenting plan can be as specific as you need to prevent your co-parent from interpreting it differently. However, the plan should also be flexible so that you can respond to unusual circumstances with practical solutions. A good parenting plan thoroughly addresses all of the known issues that are involved in co-parenting while allowing flexibility to adjust to unforeseen issues.

Detailed Document

Parenting time is rightfully the most discussed aspect of a parenting plan because it is the most fundamental part of co-parenting. However, there are numerous areas of co-parenting in which there is a potential for conflict if the plan does not specifically address them. Some of the most common questions that the plan should answer include:

Spouses who choose to end their marriage are divorcing each other emotionally, as well as legally. An emotional divorce is often compared to the five stages of grief. You must accept the fact that you divorced and let go of regrets about mistakes that you and your spouse made. Your negative emotions related to your divorce are what is most likely to delay your eventual acceptance. However, some negative emotions predate your divorce. They are feelings that you ignored or buried and have now been unearthed by your divorce. Dealing with these negative emotions may require understanding that your divorce is not their only cause:

1. Betrayal: There are actual betrayals and perceived betrayals in a marriage. Your spouse cheating on or lying to you is an actual betrayal of your trust. Your spouse making decisions that conflict with your own interests may be hurtful but not necessarily a betrayal. The difference is whether your spouse intended to betray you. Your sense of betrayal may be a reaction to actual betrayals earlier in your life. You still feel hurt by those experiences and concluded that your spouse was motivated by betrayal in his or her actions.
2. Abandonment: If your spouse initiated the divorce, it may feel as though he or she is abandoning you. Abandonment involves loneliness but is also blaming someone for causing that loneliness. It is more accurate to say that your spouse is abandoning your marriage. He or she has decided that it would be healthier for you both to no longer be married. By getting a divorce, your spouse is acknowledging his or her responsibilities to you. A repressed sense of abandonment often comes from the absence of a parent during childhood. The divorce makes you feel like you are reliving that experience.
3. Inadequacy: Rather than regretting your decisions during your marriage, inadequacy is believing that you have inherent flaws that are to blame for your divorce. You may feel that you were not good enough for your spouse, whether it was your sexual appeal or ability as a provider. This logic is flawed because beauty and success do not prevent a divorce. Divorce shows a weakness in your marriage, not yourself. Inadequacy comes from low self-esteem, which is a deeper issue than your marriage.

Emotional Divorce 

It is common to feel negative emotions during your divorce. Most people do not complete their emotional divorce until after their legal divorce has finished. Problems arise when your negative emotions cause you to make poor decisions during your divorce. A DuPage County divorce attorney at Calabrese Associates, P.C., can be the calm guide you need during your divorce. To schedule a consultation, call 630-393-3111.

Going through a divorce is when you are most likely to realize how useful a prenuptial agreement can be. The agreement can save time on the negotiation of the division of properties and spousal maintenance. Unfortunately, it is too late to create a prenuptial agreement or even a postnuptial agreement if your divorce has already started. You should remember this lesson when you enter your next major relationship that involves sharing assets with your partner. Creating a prenuptial or co-tenancy agreement is a practical step towards protecting individual assets if you have previously divorced.

Second Marriage

There may be several reasons why you did not create a prenuptial agreement before your first marriage:

There is a general consensus that people who are married live happier and healthier lives than those who divorce or never marry. People who are opposed to divorce will use this concept as a reason why struggling spouses should stay married and try to mend their relationship. However, a recent study concluded that a high-conflict marriage can also be detrimental to the spouses’ health. Researchers followed 373 couples during the first 16 years of their marriages, keeping track of the level of conflict in their marriages and their general health. Husbands, in particular, had a further decline in health based on the frequency of the conflicts. There are several ways that the stress of a bad marriage can have a negative effect on your health:

1. Depression and Anxiety: Being unhappy in your marriage will wear you down and can affect your mental health. Interacting with your spouse may make you feel anxious and depressed, which may, in turn, lead to poor decisions. Anxious thoughts may disrupt your sleeping patterns because you are unable to calm down at night.
2. Heart Disease: Constant stress, such as from a bad marriage, can be connected to an increase in your blood pressure and cholesterol. Stress causes your body to release hormones that temporarily raise your blood pressure. However, the long-term effects may come from changes in your dietary and exercise habits. You may react to your stress by overeating and excessive smoking or drinking. The stress and depression may make you more lethargic. These factors can increase the risk of obesity and heart disease.
3. Weakened Defenses: The frequent output of stress hormones in your body will eventually have an effect. Stress can increase your risk of diabetes because it increases your blood sugar, which may cause your body to become insulin resistant. It can weaken your immune system because your body is not able to produce as many germ-fighting cells. Finally, a study showed that people in unhappy marriages healed at a slower rate than those in happy marriages.

Deciding to Divorce

The quality of your relationship matters more for your health than being married. You can try to repair your relationship through counseling, but you may need to admit that both of you would be better off if you divorced. You can find happiness and better health after your divorce, whether it is through a new relationship or other sources of fulfillment. A DuPage County divorce attorney at Calabrese Associates, P.C., can start you on the path to a healthier life. To schedule a consultation, call 630-393-3111.

Determining the allocation of parental responsibilities can feel like a competition between parents to see who can receive more parental powers after a divorce. Parents will present their own strengths and the other parent’s weaknesses, with the prize being a greater share of parenting time. However, a focus on winning parental control may ignore what is in the best interest of a child. A parent with a majority of the parental responsibilities should help the other parent maintain a strong relationship with their children.

Parental Roles

Illinois family courts presume that it is in a child’s best interest to have two strong parental figures unless one of those parents is demonstratively harmful to the child. Children benefit from an active relationship with both parents because:

Some people going through a divorce resort to eavesdropping on their spouses in hopes of obtaining sensitive information that can be used in the case. With the proliferation of electronic communications, there are several ways to surreptitiously track someone’s correspondences and online history. Illinois law states that evidence obtained through eavesdropping is inadmissible in court in most cases. However, you do not want your former spouse to be able to monitor your electronic devices, even if you have nothing to hide. Electronic monitoring can be a way of embarrassing or asserting control over a former spouse. Cybersecurity has become an essential part of protecting your privacy during your divorce.

Uncoupling Yourself

It is common for spouses to have shared online accounts, including:

A business in a divorce is at the same time a marital property and a complex entity. It is a major source of income for at least one spouse and has great value as an asset. While it is possible to divide business ownership, it is more common for one spouse to have complete ownership after the divorce. In return, the other spouse is compensated with properties of equal value. However, one spouse may use his or her knowledge of the business to prevent the other spouse from receiving equitable compensation in the division of property. You must be wary of how your spouse may try to deceive you about his or her business during your divorce.

Business Valuation

Your spouse likely has a better understanding than you of the value of his or her business if you are not involved in its operation. During your divorce negotiations, your spouse has an incentive to undervalue his or her business to prevent you from receiving full compensation. He or she may underreport the business’s profits or give a conservative estimate of the business’s future value. There are also ways that your spouse can artificially lower the value of the business, such as:

The decision to divorce may provide you some relief because a resolution to your unhealthy marriage is in sight. However, your relief may turn to stress once you realize how much work will be involved in the process. A divorce agreement involves making tough decisions about money, property, and parenting. If you feel overwhelmed, you must remind yourself that you cannot complete the process all at once, even if you wanted to. When starting a divorce, you can divide tasks between what needs to be done immediately and what you should keep in mind for later.

Immediate Concerns

Your most urgent tasks at the beginning of your divorce involve your day-to-day needs. Your divorce has disrupted your life, and you need to create some stability before you can focus on larger issues. Immediate concerns include:

In most cases, divorced or separated parents’ obligation towards child support for an individual child ends when the child turns 18 years old. If there are other children who are still minors, the support payments must be modified to reflect one less child. Otherwise, the support payments end once the last child becomes a non-minor. A parent may not feel like his or her parenting expenses are over if the non-minor child continues to live with him or her or is still financially dependent. There are three situations in which Illinois law allows the primary parent to continue receiving child support payments after the child has become a legal adult.

College Students

Young adults often choose to obtain a post-secondary education, but attending college is expensive. Illinois parents can petition to continue child support payments to cover a non-minor child’s college expenses, including tuition, housing, textbooks, school supplies, food, and medical expenses. Students who commute to school while still living with a parent are eligible, though the living expenses will be less. However, there are qualifications and limitations to the support payments:

A survey of divorcees found that a divorce takes on average about 11 months to complete, from the initial filing to the final court-approved divorce agreement. There are unusual cases in which the duration is much shorter or longer, but the complicated issues of a divorce can easily take most of the year to complete. You have incentives to want to complete your divorce in a timely manner. A drawn-out divorce will cost more in legal fees, and the process is emotionally taxing. There are several variables that will determine how long your divorce will take:

1. Location of Divorce: Court availability is a factor for all divorce cases, but some county courts are subject to more delays than others. How soon you can have a court hearing depends on the number of cases the court has and how efficient the court is with its cases.
2. Filing for Divorce: Your divorce may be delayed from the beginning if your spouse does not cooperate after being served the divorce papers. In some cases, a spouse may be difficult to track down. In others, a spouse may contest the dissolution of marriage. Courts rarely deny a dissolution of marriage request, but you will need to attend additional hearings to resolve the matter.
3. Existing Agreements: Having a premarital or postmarital agreement can shorten the negotiation process. However, your attorney will need to review the agreement to determine whether it complies with divorce law. A premarital or postmarital agreement cannot settle issues related to children.
4. Parenting Issues: Spouses often dispute the allocation of parental responsibilities and child support payments during divorce negotiations. Not having dependent children may save months on your negotiation time.
5. Value of Properties: High asset divorces can take longer to negotiate because there is more financially at stake in dividing properties. You must assess the value of all of your properties, determine which ones are marital properties and negotiate who will retain each property.
6. Level of Conflict: A divorce moves quicker if the spouses can agree to a settlement without needing a court to decide. In a high-conflict divorce, the spouses may be unwilling to agree on basic issues during negotiations. It takes only one obstinate spouse to cause negotiations to break down.

Taking Your Time

While there are ways to complete your divorce sooner, you should not rush to a conclusion that puts you at a disadvantage. A DuPage County divorce attorney at Calabrese Associates, P.C., can help you create a favorable divorce agreement without unnecessary delays. To schedule a consultation, call 630-393-3111.

Negotiating spousal maintenance agreements during divorce may become more contentious because of a change to a long-standing tax law. The federal tax reform bill passed in late 2017 eliminated the popular alimony deduction for federal income taxes. The deduction is an incentive for higher-income spouses to agree to pay spousal maintenance. With the uncertainty that the change has created, many divorcing couples are rushing to complete their agreements before the law goes into effect.

How It Works

The current tax law allows spousal maintenance payers to deduct the value of their annual payments from their total taxable income. The maintenance recipient must report the money as taxable income. The change to the law will make maintenance tax-neutral. The payer can no longer claim a deduction, and the recipient will no longer pay taxes on the payments. There are three caveats to the law that benefit those who want to continue using the alimony deduction:

Reconciling your divorce with your own emotions may mean overcoming the idea that you are a failure. Your vow upon marriage was to spend the rest of your lives together. Ending your marriage before then means you failed in that mission. Once you have convinced yourself of that idea, it is easy to extend that failure to your marriage as a whole and yourself. However, success in a marriage is defined by more than its duration, and people who chose to divorce are not themselves failures. Keep these points in mind:

1. Forever Is a Long Time: Staying married for life is a worthy goal, but how realistic is it? There are many conflicts and unforeseen circumstances that can occur during a marriage. To create a relationship that can withstand every test is remarkable. Making it 10 or 20 years is also a feat. Rather than disparage the marriages that do not last forever, we should be impressed by the ones that do.
2. Quality of Marriage Matters: Success in a marriage means more than whether it still exists. Which would you consider a more successful marriage: A miserable couple who never divorces or a couple who had several happy years together but eventually decided to divorce? Most couples would not consider a marriage rife with conflict and misery to be successful. The happy times during your marriage means that there was some success.
3. You Are Better Because of Your Marriage: A marriage that ends in divorce should be a learning experience for both sides. You understand the mistakes you made during your marriage and can apply what you learned to your future relationships. Also, consider what you gained from your marriage, especially if you had children. Being a parent can always be the positive that comes out of a marriage, meaning that the marriage had value.
4. Your Divorce Does Not Define You: Even if you believe that your marriage ended in failure, that does not make you a failure. Your relationship broke apart, but you are not broken as a person. You have already proven that you are capable of finding someone who wants to have a meaningful relationship with you. You may eventually find another relationship that is stronger than your past marriage. However, you should not let your relationships define your success as a person. Your identity is more than that of a spouse.

Deciding to Divorce

You should not fear divorce, thinking that you are admitting failure in your marriage. Ending an unhealthy marriage gives you a chance at future successes. A DuPage County divorce attorney at Calabrese Associates, P.C., can help you through the divorce process. To schedule a consultation, call 630-393-3111.

Obtaining a fair share of parenting time is one part of being a good post-divorce parent. You also must use your parenting time to develop a positive relationship with your children. In your children’s eyes, you are not the same parent as you were before your divorce. Your children may also seem like different people if their moods and behavior have changed because of the divorce. They are likely still feeling pain and betrayal but are also looking to you for comfort and guidance. The onus is on you to create a new and healthy relationship with your children as a single parent.

Communication

Understanding your children’s feelings and needs starts with talking to them. Their time with you should include opportunities to discuss what is going on in their lives and how they are feeling. Ask them to share both the good and the bad so you are a more complete part of their lives. When they are with their other parent, encourage them to remain in contact with you, via:

An amicable divorce process has more to do with your state of mind than with the circumstances of your divorce. You can always find something to argue over if you are bitter towards your spouse. Conversely, you can settle contentious issues when you look at them from a logical standpoint instead of an emotional one. A high-conflict divorce may feel immediately satisfying because you are letting out your resentment towards your spouse. However, an amicable divorce has better outcomes and often results in less emotional damage.

Setting the Tone

Amicable divorce starts with how you handle your initial conversation with your spouse. If you are the one asking for a divorce, you have greater control over the tone of the discussion. You can start on the path towards amicable divorce by:

Divorce mediation can be more productive and cost-effective than litigation for some couples. In mediation, the spouses directly negotiate the terms of their divorce settlement, with a mediator serving as a neutral guide. The process can be less expensive than litigation because the spouses minimize their time in court and share the expense of the mediator. Spouses are also more likely to be mutually satisfied with the resulting agreement. Mediation does not work for every divorce, and a failed attempt may be costly if the couple has to use divorce litigation. However, you should not reject mediation because you have misconceptions about the process. Here are four facts that dispel common myths about divorce mediation:

1. Mediation Does Not Require an Amicable Divorce: Mediation relies on the divorcing couple being able to communicate in a constructive manner in order to reach an agreement. It is the mediator’s role to facilitate the discussions and intervene when communications breakdown. The mediator can steer the conversation away from counterproductive subjects, pause negotiations when tensions escalate and bring in a therapist to help teach constructive communication skills.
2. Mediation Is Not Like Marriage Counseling: Though a mediator will encourage improved communications between the parties, reconciling a marriage is not his or her goal. The purpose of divorce negotiations is to settle the division of property and parental responsibilities. A divorce mediator is someone who has experience with the legal process of divorce, not a relationship counselor.
3. The Mediator Will Not Control the Negotiations: Spouses lead the negotiation during the divorce mediation and will decide the terms of the agreement. The mediator is a neutral resource who understands the legal requirements for creating a divorce agreement. The mediator can inform both sides of the state’s divorce laws and how they may apply to the issue being discussed.
4. Both Parties Can Have Attorneys During Mediation: Divorce attorneys will not accompany spouses into the mediation negotiations. That is a different form of alternative dispute resolution called collaborative law. However, both parties in a mediation are encouraged to have their own attorneys on standby. The mediator cannot give advice that would favor one side, but each side can contact his or her own attorney for guidance as needed. It is also advisable that both sides allow their own attorneys to review the divorce agreement that comes out of mediation.

Making a Decision

You can settle any divorce issue through mediation, but the process may not work for some people. A DuPage County divorce attorney at Calabrese Associates, P.C., can advise you on the benefits of mediation or litigation for your case. Schedule a consultation by calling 630-393-3111.

Caring for children of divorce requires different parenting skills than when you were married. Your children are in a new living situation that confuses and scares them, while you are adjusting to expanded parental responsibilities. Though not a guaranteed outcome, your children are at risk of developing long-term emotional problems that may manifest as a mental disorder or unhealthy behavior. Your children are less likely to suffer these consequences if you can continue to provide stable and supportive parenting. Here are four keys to creating a healthy environment for your children after your divorce:

1. Remember That You Are a Co-Parent: Though you are divorced, you and your former spouse share the role of being parents. You should develop a business-like relationship with each other so you can communicate about your parenting concerns. You will not agree on every issue, but you should try to find some consistency in discipline and expectations for your children’s behavior. Showing that you both can still cooperate is an important lesson for your children.
2. Shield Your Children from Conflict: You should never make your children feel that they are in the middle of your argument with their co-parent. Do not complain about your former spouse in front of them. Do not ask them for information about their other parent. Do not use them as messengers or delivery people with their other parent. Your parenting time should focus on them and not your former marriage.
3. Create Good Memories: Your children will likely remember your divorce as a sad time in their lives, but you can try to create some positive memories to go with it. You need to be proactive in making the most out of the time you have with your children. Find time in your regular schedule for fun activities with them. Create a supportive atmosphere to make sure they know they are loved.
4. Listen to Your Children: In your effort to remain positive around your children, you should not ignore signs that they are depressed or upset. Ask them what is bothering them and take time to listen to what they say. Encourage them to come to you when they have questions they need to have answered or are feeling down.

Healthy Divorced Parenting

You need time with your children in order to help them adjust to their new lives after divorce. A DuPage County divorce attorney at Calabrese Associates, P.C., can negotiate a fair division of parenting time. To schedule a consultation, call 630-393-3111.

Absent any language stating otherwise, the terms of a spousal maintenance agreement are modifiable when either party has a significant change of circumstances. Examples include a change in:

• Employment status;
• Income;
• Marital status;
• Tax implications of the agreement; or
• The value of properties awarded after divorce.

An Illinois court will award modifiable spousal maintenance if the spouses cannot agree to terms during the divorce negotiations. However, divorcing couples can present other forms of maintenance agreements that have different conditions for when the agreement may be modified.

Reviewable Maintenance

Divorce is such a consequential decision that couples often hesitate to assure themselves that they are making the right choice. There is a financial cost to a divorce, though a couple’s biggest concern is often how the divorce will affect their children. They may also feel social pressure to not give up on their marriage prematurely. However, a bad marriage is unhealthy for the spouses and their children. So, how will you know when it is the right time to divorce? That is a conclusion you must reach by weighing the positives and negatives of your marriage. Every marriage has its good and bad aspects. There are several signs that the bad in your marriage may be outweighing the good:

1. Unsafe Environment: One of the primary benefits of staying married is having a stable home for your family. However, frequently fighting with your spouse instead creates an unhealthy environment for everyone. If the fighting becomes physical and verbal abuse, you need to remove your children from that toxic environment.
2. Loneliness: Living with someone you no longer love can make you feel as isolated as being single. Your marriage lacks the intimacy you need to feel fulfilled. You may be afraid of being alone after your divorce, but you should consider whether you already feel lonely in your marriage. By being single, you at least have a chance of finding love again.
3. Lack of Happiness: Marriage vows traditionally include the term “for better or worse.” You promise not to give up just because your marriage is going through a rough patch. However, you need to have the good moments to balance out the bad. Suffering in a marriage with no payoff is more masochism than dedication. Your own sadness also has a way of spreading to your children, affecting their moods.
4. Fear of Change: There are valid reasons to work on a marriage instead of getting a divorce. You may still love your spouse and believe there is a path to a better marriage. You may want to try your hardest to salvage your marriage for the sake of your kids. However, some spouses avoid divorce because they are afraid of the change that comes with it. If complacency is the only thing preventing your divorce, you are better off making the decision now.

Good Divorce

A divorce done right will make you happier and healthier than you were in a bad marriage. A DuPage County divorce attorney at Calabrese Associates, PC, can guide you through an amicable divorce with your spouse. To schedule a consultation, call 630-393-3111.